Monday, July 28, 2014


It's so hard to put into writing what happened at Mama T's almost three weeks ago now. It's hard to believe it's already been that long.

Ali and Max have been together at Mama T's since they were infants. They were best friends. They would walk around her yard holding hands. During the Easter Egg hunt in April Ali and Max traded their eggs so he could have all the blue ones and she could have all the pink ones. Not a day goes by that Max isn't mentioned in some way. He has been such a huge part of her little world. And now he is gone.

Max died on July 9th.

It was such a terrible accident, but it truly was an accident. The investigation is still going on but they expect to have a final resolution to it by August 4th. At that time we'll know if any charges will be filed. As far as we know it is being looked at as an accident and we don't believe Mama T will be charged with anything. Max's family is not pressing charges and know that it was an accident.

Right now Mama T is closed and has to remain closed during the investigation. I've been staying in close touch with her and the other moms and we're not sure that even if she is allowed to reopen, if she'd have the heart to. This has hurt her so much, I just don't think she'll ever recover. I don't know if she'll ever trust herself again or be emotionally ready to have kids her in house again. At the end of the day though, I just don't see how the state daycare licensing board can ever allow her to reopen. The legality of it is too big and I don't think it's a decision that Mama T is going to have to make.

We've been very lucky to have family close by and my in laws came down for part of a week to help us with the girls while we find some place else to put them.

Ali is almost three and we had planned on looking for a preschool soon but as a part time thing, two or three days a week with her still at Mama T's in the afternoons. Clearly that's not an option now.

So, she started at school last week. I am very happy we were able to find one so quickly and it is super close to our house. They do have infant programs too and Elle will start full time next week. They only had a part time spot for her through July. It's a family owned school, two cousins who are teachers. It's set up very well and it has a 2 1/2 year old class that prepares the kids for preschool. Works on getting them potty trained and used to a 'school' environment so it's not as big a change when they move up a level.

I have visited with Mama T and I have visited with Max's family. Max has a little brother who is Elle's age. He will now grow up never knowing his older brother.

My heart is so broken for everyone involved.

Ali & Max last fall

The whole crew at Mama T's at Easter. That's Ali and Max looking at each other instead of the camera, and the two babies are Max's little brother checking out Elle instead of the camera.

How do you heal from something like this? I have my girls. I am so, so, so grateful that I have my girls. My heart has hurt so badly for Max that I am terrified of what would happen to me should it have been one of mine instead. But I can't go down that road. The 'what if' game is so dangerous. What if it had been Ali. It could have been. So very, very easily. I just can't start that thought.

I have my girls. My amazing beautiful girls and I will treasure every minute with them knowing it can all be taken away so quickly, and so easily.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Tragedy and a break

I can't get into the details right now. I don't have all the details, there are so many things in the air and unknown.

My girls are fine.

There was a terrible, terrible accident at Mama T's on Tuesday. Ali's best friend was hurt very badly and it's not expected that he will make it.

I can't do this right now. My heart is broken and so unbelievably thankful all at the same time and I am so overwhelmed that I can't think straight.

Please, hug your babies and say a prayer for Max, and his family.

I think it will be a while before I post anything again.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Did it hurt when you fell of the wagon?

I don't think the protein shake for lunch thing is for me. I can do it for three or four days and then I"m just starving. I woke up hungry this morning, which is not normal. I haven't stopped eating so far today.

I might be able to incorporate it into my regular diet, maybe in place of my afternoon snack, but I have to have something solid at lunch.

I'm also having some intestinal challenges with this shake that are becoming problematic. It's a little questionable as to if I can make it through a workout at the gym without embarrassing myself. That's just not fun.

So, I think I'm going to take a break. I am five pounds from my final goal and I know that right now, diet is not going to be what gets me there. I've gone as far as I can with diet and minimal exercise. To get these last pounds off and get the few inches off to get into my clothes, I need to buckle down and really exercise. There has to be a plan that I can stick to.

I'll think of one later.

I didn't sleep well last night and I'm dreading going home and having to go through the chaos of getting me, two girls and Big M ready for the trip. Hopefully Ali was good at Mama T's today so I can turn on an episode of Mickey for her while I get as much done as possible in 30 minutes. If she doesn't play nice at daycare, which has been a problem (as mentioned previously) then she doesn't get to listen to her songs on the way home, or watch Mickey or get any privileges at all until she gets a clean report from Mama T. This has been working well as long as long as both Mama T and I stick to it strictly. We spend a lot of time talking to Ali about how to share toys, take turns on the swings, etc, etc.

Ah yes, the 'fun' side of parenting.

Thankfully this time at my in laws I'll have reinforcements. My MIL and SIL who are both itching for some quality Ali & Elle time. Fabulous. I'm going to go take a nap!