wrong

There's something wrong with me.

I have been losing my temper with my kids every night.

Every night.

Pretty much after about 6 pm I lose my ability to be a rational parent/person.

I hit my limit. It's all I can take from the day and I'm done.

Every whine. Every 'mama'. Every tear. Every tantrum magnifies in my head.

The skin wants to crawl of the back of my neck.

I can't handle it.

I can't handle anything.

All of it makes my blood boil.

Last night I was desperately trying to do a class homework project with Ali and I couldn't. I flat out could not even communicate with her without getting so frustrated and annoyed that I had to scream.

My husband had to come and take my place. He sent me into the kitchen to finish up cleaning from dinner (normally something he does each evening).

I couldn't even do that. Elle was under my feet wanting to color or paint or sit on my feet, I don't even know what. I didn't care. I just needed her to stop whining at me. I kept pushing her away telling her to go play in the other room. I had set out crayons and paper. There were toys out, I needed her away from me and she wouldn't stop whining.

I finally grabbed her up (picked is too light a word) and practically flung her into bed.

I screamed at her to stop.

I couldn't stop.

My husband came to the stairs to see me fleeing Elle's room and told me to calm down. I said I couldn't.

I ran to the garage and cried. Sobbed.

I was so frustrated. So angry. So overwhelmed.

And I was taking it out on my girls.

I cried myself out and then went back inside to see my husband and Ali about done with the school project.

I went upstairs and got Elle out of her crib and sat on the floor with her for 10 minutes or so and played with her before calmly putting her back to bed.

I went downstairs to get Ali and apologized.

We went through our normal bedtime routine.

A couple times I started to get worked up again and forcefully had to continue to maintain the calm.

It was hard.

When I kissed her goodnight I apologized again for having a bad evening. And she said that I needed to not yell so much.

That hurt. So much.

She's right.

Today, I saw that terrible photo of the boy who drowned. He was three.

I have to get control of myself.

I have to look at my children and appreciate them.

I have to know that they are little.

They are learning.

They are learning what I show them.

I have to not yell, but instead hug.

Do not yell, hug.

I even made myself a reminder.

I don't think this is going to change what it wrong with me. I really think there is something off balance. I don't know what to do about it though.

But I have to stop turning that on my girls.

I have to be a better parent. A better me.