Those days where you're not as strong as you think you should be

It's been a very busy summer so far and some how today snuck up, smacked me in the heart and laid me out pretty flat.

It's not actually the anniversary of Max's accident. That's the 8th. But it feels like today.

Last year we had just come back from our traditional Fourth of July extravaganza long weekend with my husband's family, as we do every year. It was actually Tuesday last year that I went back to work, having dropped my girls off  for a normal day at daycare.

Just like I did today.

We got back last night from our family weekend and I was ok.

I got up this morning and my heart hurt a bit and I had a couple moments when I had to stop and control myself but I had to get everyone up and out for the day, I didn't have time to stop long.

I dropped the girls off at school and I was ok.

I got to work, sat at my desk and remembered the phone call from Mama T last year, only a couple hours into the day. And started shaking.

How panicked she was.

How panicked I was.

How hard I prayed as I broke most major driving laws to get there in 5 minutes instead of 10.

How hard I hugged my girls as I sat on Mama T's couch and listened to the questions the police officers were asking Mama T's 21 year old son who was the only one left at the house with the kids while Mama T and her husband went to the hospital.

The calls I made to the other families to come pick up their babies.

The exhausting mix of  fear and relief.

I knew it was going to be a hard week, for everyone.

But I wasn't prepared for it to hit me this hard.

I keep thinking I should be stronger than this, but then have to remind myself that some things I don't have control over and that fighting this pull, like I did a year ago, will not make it better.

I don't have to be strong when faced with this tidal wave of emotion. I do have to make sure the people around me know I'm sinking right now. And I have to trust that they'll keep me floating for a few days while I get through it.

That's all I can do.

How to feed a crowd (or two athletes) on short notice

I'm not sure how many of you are accustomed to feeding athletes but there is a significant difference in what a normal person eats and what an athlete eats.

When I say athlete, I mean someone who runs marathons, competes in triathlons, and tends to consider a 60+ mile cycling day as part of the normal routine.

Put more than one of those in a room, and you go through a lot of food.

A lot.

So when you get a text at 8 am from your athlete husband saying that his athlete friend is coming for dinner that night, it is normal to start to panic a little.

So, here was our menu for Monday night, which was basically our menu for the week, condensed.

Baked BBQ Chicken
Corn on the Cobb
Roasted Red Potatoes
Zucchini Casserole
Brownies (Thank you Betty Crocker)

And, I made it all in about an hour. Just over actually since the zucchini takes an hour to cook, but holy moly was that worth it! Really good casserole.

And, I made all of that while feeding dinner to the girls (leftovers from the weekend). Bathing Ali and putting Elle to bed before company arrived.

Ha!

Take that!

(PS, my knee is better. I've been eating lighter. Feeling less bloated. Down two of the four nasty lbs and not feeling as low as I had been. Better week this week.)

Weight gain, backslide, injury and frustration

I'm definitely fighting a few internal battles right now and a lot of the time am feeling a bit down. Which I'm not sure I actually realized until I started that sentence but now makes a lot more sense.

I'm wobbling up and down through these odd four pounds which is making me a little crazy. At the bottom of those four pounds, my clothes fit and I feel good. At the top, my clothes don't fit and I feel bloated and annoyed.

Four pounds. Four. Really? Why do they have to make that big a difference??

Some how they do and that's really annoying.

Meanwhile between a weather conspiracy and an inability to drag myself out of bed, I haven't been working out much.

Meanwhile, again, while not working out much, I did manage to get a nice long yoga workout in on Sunday morning while my mom had the girls, only to find myself the next day with a limp. And not a 'wow that was a good workout limp' - more like a 'WTF did I just do to myself limp'.

For some reason I thought that since I had a nice quiet morning, my very non stretched out self would benefit from a rather rigorous and advanced yoga routine.

For some reason, my body did not agree...

I'm already on a daily anti inflammatory routine for the pain in my knee, which is better, but that's not even touching this issue, which is awesome, and it's steadily gotten worse all week.

At this point I kind of just want to crawl under the couch and have another glass of wine.

This is me.

18 Month injuries

Maybe it's just a stage in development that these girls need to go through but I really don't appreciate this particular one.

Ali at 18 months took a header into the base of a pack n play and broke her two front teeth.

That was a scary trip to the dentist and, while I'm used to it now, I do still see it when I really look at her.

Elle was playing at my mom's house yesterday and was under the dining room table when she decided to quickly stand up and put a rather impressive hole in her head.

I didn't get a picture (yet) but it's a pretty decent hole and apparently bled quite a lot. We may actually end up at the urgent care center if it continues to ooze but this morning it seemed ok. It's bandaged up and it doesn't seem to bother her much although she has very quickly learned the word 'boo-boo' and tends to jab herself in the forehead while she says it. Which required several bandaid changes yesterday as she kept making it bleed again.

Meanwhile Ali has a bandaid on her head too. When I dropped her off at school today I had to assure her teachers that there was nothing wrong with her head, and that it was a sympathy bandaid.

At least with Ali once she loses her baby teeth there will be no sign of the damage from her fall. Elle will most likely have a scar on her head now, which hurts my heart. I know it is complete vanity for me to be bothered by it, but really it's less of a permanent 'scar' and more of a permanent mark for 'failure as a parent'.

At least it feels that way!

Joey had it right...

Does anyone remember the episode of Friends where Joey puts the book in the freezer because it was scary.

I had to look it up to remember it was the Shining, but, yeah, 'joey book in freezer', you can google that!

I can relate to that so much and I don't know why it's taken me so long to make that connection and while I don't necessarily put the book in the freezer (I listen to audio books on my phone and I think that might do a little damage should I put my phone in there) I do stop listening for a little while when things get tense. I have to work up to it before I can go back and continue reading.

Right now I'm in the middle of book four of the Outlander series which I absolutely adore! The whole thing is just fantastic! It's a good story and good story telling.

In my head I know it's silly of me to get so worried about the situation since I know there are a bazillion of these books in the series...

(notice I didn't say 'since I know it's only a book')...

so, clearly it will be ok in the end...

(It's never 'only a book'.)

but I do get terribly stressed out about some of the situations these characters find themselves in.

(I think only a reader will understand that.)

(I don't know why I'm having side conversations in my own blog post).

So right now my book is "in the freezer" i.e. phone in purse, until I can work up to turning it back on and finding out what happens and if everything is ok or if I have to be upset about something.

Sweet moments

My girls are getting so big it's hard to believe.

They are both very busy girls and Elle especially rarely ever sits. If I sit on the floor, she'll sit in my lap and play, but not snuggle.

Ali does love to snuggle now that she's a little older, but at Elle's age was the same way.

Busy, busy girls.

Elle's been a little cranky the last few days, either teething or growing, one of which seems to be perpetually in process, and Sunday she was definitely out of sorts after church. It wasn't time for a nap but she was just not a content girl.

So I went and got her blanket out of her bed, and snuggled with her into a rocking chair in the living room where Ali was watching something on tv.

Elle snuggled right in with me and didn't really sleep, but was comfortably drowsy and sweet.

Ali saw us and came over too, crawling up on the other side of the chair and sitting on the edge where I could rub her back and play with her long hair.

Both my girls, snuggled in with me on a Sunday afternoon.

It was so sweet I didn't want it to end.

Happy Mother's Day

I have so many great stories from this weekend that I don't know where to start.

First, the Friday lunch play date with Max's mom was wonderful. I'm so glad we were able to plan that. Ali didn't really remember her and there were no questions or awkward statements from her. The babies had so much fun and everyone was worn out after playing on the playground for a couple hours.

On Saturday morning we went with some friends to a Strawberry Festival and had a BLAST!! Ali loved it and Elle ate so many strawberries I'm surprised she wasn't sick. It was a beautiful day and with all the activity and craziness the girls were so well behaved.

The true highlight though was that Anna and Elsa from Frozen were there. Ali and our little friend Audrey were like teenagers at a Justin Beiber concert. It was so funny I was in tears, I was laughing so hard. The girls were screeching in excitement, but then Ali completely froze up (no pun intended) when it was time to actually meet them. She did hug Anna but then basically stood like this the whole rest of the time.

Completely overwhelmed. Probably a good thing we're not planning a (very expensive) trip to Disney World anytime soon. I think she needs a little more time.

After that we ran around and played in the bounce houses and then went back to the car to cool off and have a snack.

Then Ali had a defining educational moment, one every girl must learn at some point.

How to pee behind a tree...

Yep, we had to park so far our from the strawberry farm and there were no port-a-potties anywhere near us, plus having the two girls on my own at this point (our friends had left just a few minutes earlier) meant that it just wasn't going to happen. So, we had our first lesson on how to answer the call of nature while you're in nature. Thankfully the parking area we were in was next to a little wooded area and there were a few discreet options. She thought it was hysterical. Thankfully I also keep a change of little girl panties in the car, as they were needed, although for her first time she did really well.

Both girls crashed on the drive home and our actual afternoon nap time got a little off schedule, but it was worth it to have had such a fun time.

Speaking of little girl panties...because that's a normal topic of conversation...

Ali is officially 100% potty trained at night. Last week she requested to wear panties to bed instead of a pull up and hasn't looked back since. Saturday morning was a full week of staying dry all night and so I told her she could have anything she wanted for breakfast since she had done such a good job and was such a big girl.

So...we had ice cream sandwiches for breakfast...not quite what I had in mind, but I didn't clarify my offer at all, so we just went with it. Ice cream for breakfast.

Mother's Day was nice. Quiet day at home. I made a quick dessert for some of the strawberries, although I didn't use nearly as many as I had hoped.

Puff pastry, vanilla pudding, cool whip and sliced strawberries. Really good!

I also got the sweetest presents from the girls that they made at daycare.

I also got a massage gift certificate from my husband which I am very, very excited to use. Although I have no idea when that will be since I have to work next weekend and then it's Memorial Day Weekend and we usually got to TN. Oh well, it will not go to waste, trust me on that!

All in all it was a very fun weekend. Very busy but full of fun outside times and lots of friends and family.

I hope all the mothers out there had a wonderful day too.