Silence, Acceptance and Sorrow

The past two days are two that will be with me forever. I will never forget December 13th and 14th of 2012.

On Thursday morning, at 8:15 I went for what should have been a 9 week ultrasound. Instead we found I had miscarried my baby. There was no heartbeat and I knew as soon as the screen came up that something was wrong. The tech kept saying what she was looking for, and what we should be seeing and I kept waiting for the 'but' that would make it ok, knowing it wasn't coming. My husband hadn't gone with me to that appointment and I had to call him at the office and he came home to spend the rest of the day with me. I cried so hard and so long. All day Thursday for what we lost. Baby A's little brother or sister.

On Friday I woke up numb. Kind of hollow and still hurting. By the afternoon, after seeing what horrors had happened elsewhere during the day, I knew my hurt was nothing. A drop in the bucket next to these poor moms who lost their babies yesterday. These little babies who should have had a full life ahead of them. All those moms who will never hold their children again. Who will never sleep without dreaming of them. Who will never wake without a moment of sorrow that it was real, not a dream, that there is no child in the other room, safe in their bed, ready to wake for a new day.

My personal sorrow is still there. I will always feel the loss of this baby. But I know I have so much to be thankful for. So much to treasure and that is what I focus on now.

Hug your babies. Watch them sleep. Treasure every moment, even the ones that make you want to pull your hair out. Give them the cookie today and enjoy the light that comes into their eyes for such a small treat. Let them bounce on their beds today, wear their underwear on their heads, and love every piece of them.

All my prayers are for the families in Connecticut now.