Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Dinner Done

It really has been a whirlwind summer and I feel like I've spent a lot of the last month fighting to stay above water.

I did finally get my act together enough last weekend to do some cooking for the week and get a little more organized.

Yay me!

Here's my post for this week's meals. I am LOVING the chili cheese corn dog muffins and while they're clearly not the healthiest option, it's some pretty solid comfort food. :)

Thursday, July 9, 2015

One year ago today

Today is the day.

One year ago today we lost Max.

Ali has been very patient with me so far. It's been a morning full of extra hugs and kisses and I love you's.

These little lives are so precious and so fragile.

Hug your babies.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Morning surprises

This morning while I was getting ready for work I heard Ali get up and go to the bathroom.

Fairly typical.

A few minutes later I hear her sobbing.

Not typical.

I walk out of my room and meet her in the hallway where she proceeds to hand me her little stuffed Minnie Mouse toy.

Me (holding Minnie in my hand): What's the matter honey??

Ali (sobbing): I dropped Minnie in the potty.

Me: ...........

I guess it's one of those days that can only go up when you start it holding a pee soaked Minnie Mouse in your hand.

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

A better day today

My heart is still heavy but I'm not quite as overwhelmed as I was yesterday.

I texted with Max's mom and spoke with Mama T, who called me out of the blue. She knew I needed her.

My mom sent me several supportive emails.

My husband called to check on me in the middle of the afternoon.

And when I got home yesterday I just sat in the rocking chair and held my Ali. I held her and rocked her long enough that she finally said 'mama, I'm all done cuddling...'


As I sat with her though I thought back over the last year and how different she is now as a 'not quite four year old', from the 'not quite three year old' that she was at the time of the accident.

If she saw something like that now, she would know to tell someone.

If she saw something like that now, she would remember.

It's a terrible feeling to be at the same time relieved that she was small enough to never remember it, but know that had she been a little older, she would have known that Max was in trouble and spoken up and maybe we wouldn't be in this situation.

To know that the last year at her new school has brought about more change and growth in Ali than I think would have been possible at Mama T's.

But to also know that my baby Elle did not have that same background in a small loving home environment which I loved so much for Ali.

But, they're such different kids. Ali needed that quiet place to grow and learn at her slow pace. Elle was on the speed track from day one and loves all the activity and action at school.

Right now I just have to accept that we are where we are supposed to be and that time heals all wounds.

Monday, July 6, 2015

Those days where you're not as strong as you think you should be

It's been a very busy summer so far and some how today snuck up, smacked me in the heart and laid me out pretty flat.

It's not actually the anniversary of Max's accident. That's the 8th. But it feels like today.

Last year we had just come back from our traditional Fourth of July extravaganza long weekend with my husband's family, as we do every year. It was actually Tuesday last year that I went back to work, having dropped my girls off  for a normal day at daycare.

Just like I did today.

We got back last night from our family weekend and I was ok.

I got up this morning and my heart hurt a bit and I had a couple moments when I had to stop and control myself but I had to get everyone up and out for the day, I didn't have time to stop long.

I dropped the girls off at school and I was ok.

I got to work, sat at my desk and remembered the phone call from Mama T last year, only a couple hours into the day. And started shaking.

How panicked she was.

How panicked I was.

How hard I prayed as I broke most major driving laws to get there in 5 minutes instead of 10.

How hard I hugged my girls as I sat on Mama T's couch and listened to the questions the police officers were asking Mama T's 21 year old son who was the only one left at the house with the kids while Mama T and her husband went to the hospital.

The calls I made to the other families to come pick up their babies.

The exhausting mix of  fear and relief.

I knew it was going to be a hard week, for everyone.

But I wasn't prepared for it to hit me this hard.

I keep thinking I should be stronger than this, but then have to remind myself that some things I don't have control over and that fighting this pull, like I did a year ago, will not make it better.

I don't have to be strong when faced with this tidal wave of emotion. I do have to make sure the people around me know I'm sinking right now. And I have to trust that they'll keep me floating for a few days while I get through it.

That's all I can do.