My heart is still heavy but I'm not quite as overwhelmed as I was yesterday.
I texted with Max's mom and spoke with Mama T, who called me out of the blue. She knew I needed her.
My mom sent me several supportive emails.
My husband called to check on me in the middle of the afternoon.
And when I got home yesterday I just sat in the rocking chair and held my Ali. I held her and rocked her long enough that she finally said 'mama, I'm all done cuddling...'
As I sat with her though I thought back over the last year and how different she is now as a 'not quite four year old', from the 'not quite three year old' that she was at the time of the accident.
If she saw something like that now, she would know to tell someone.
If she saw something like that now, she would remember.
It's a terrible feeling to be at the same time relieved that she was small enough to never remember it, but know that had she been a little older, she would have known that Max was in trouble and spoken up and maybe we wouldn't be in this situation.
To know that the last year at her new school has brought about more change and growth in Ali than I think would have been possible at Mama T's.
But to also know that my baby Elle did not have that same background in a small loving home environment which I loved so much for Ali.
But, they're such different kids. Ali needed that quiet place to grow and learn at her slow pace. Elle was on the speed track from day one and loves all the activity and action at school.
Right now I just have to accept that we are where we are supposed to be and that time heals all wounds.