A New Year's Resolution for 2013

My resolution for this past year was to keep a journal for Baby A and every day write down something, something she did, something we did, a thought that I had about her, a food she tried for the first time, just something about that day. I did really well and only messed up December because I didn't buy a true journal, just a note book and I ran out of room for the last month. It's been a lot of fun to go back and read the entries from earlier this year. I started it when she was 4 months old, now she's 16 months. Such a huge difference. It's amazing.

For 2013, after the difficulty of the past few weeks, I wanted to use this as an opportunity to remind myself how very blessed I am and how many things I have to be thankful for. I am going to get another notebook and my goal is going to be to keep a list of things I'm thankful for. I'm going to be a little less comprehensive for 2013 and not do a daily journal, but instead try to do a weekly entry instead. With Baby A's journal I kept it on my bedside table and each evening would write down something from that day. For 2013, every Sunday night, before going to bed, I will make a note about the week and something I am thankful for.

I do kind of feel like it's a 'light' resolution considering I did daily notes for 334 days of 2012 and will now do only 52 but I'm ok with it.

A whole year of thanks and counting my blessings.

Ready
Set

Happy New Year!

Christmas Recovery

I was concerned that recovering during Christmas would be sad and emotional, but in the end, it was so nice to have family around, and we were all so busy, that I think it was better this way. I didn't have time to dwell and I had lots of people to drink with.

I think the oddest thing for me right now has been the continued and unexplained weight loss. I had gone down a pound when I thought I was still pregnant and thought it was odd. I"m down two more. I've been doing my fair share of holiday eating and drinking, have started walking the dogs again but no other exercise and prior to discovering we had lost the baby, I had been on a 1500 calorie diet instead of 1200. All healthy calories, but still, I'm not sure what this is about. I guess I just keep an eye on it and enjoy fitting into my skinny clothes for a little longer. We have 18 days until we can start trying for another baby. Yes I'm counting. I want very much to start trying again.

Baby A had a fabulous Christmas. She got a red wagon from one set of grandparents and a little toddler sized table and chairs from the other, plus lots of toys, and clothes, and socks, and shoes, and puzzles, and holy crap the amount of crap!! I don't know where it's all going to go. One of my aunts got her a stuffed cat that's bigger than she is. Baby A really had a great time and I think enjoyed all the attention and food more than the presents, which it probably the way it should be.

The club no one wants to join, but somehow we're all in

This whole week has been kind of surreal. It's been so fast, and so strange that it's a little hard to remember what started it all. I had a very hard time coming back from the surgery on Monday. I deal with pain and discomfort really well. I don't usually let things hold me back but this knocked me on my butt and I have been struggling all week. It's Thursday and today's the first day I've been in the office for a full day. I"m counting the minutes until I can go. I'm not hugely uncomfortable but I'm definitely craving my comfy pants and heating pad.

The truly odd thing has been 90% of the women I talk to have had a miscarriage. I might almost say 99% of women with children has had one, or more. The number is staggering. I was amazed. I am amazed. It's so common, it's so frequent and no one talks about it. No one. It's like a dirty secret that you can't tell unless you're sure that the other person has had one too, and then it's offered as a shared comfort. Which is ironic because at the time, the last thing anyone wants to hear is other people's sympathy stories. At least for me. I don't know if other women find it comforting that there are a multitude of lost babies out there, but I didn't. It didn't change my pain. I didn't feel comforted knowing I wasn't alone, because I was alone. For a few weeks I had a little companion, always with me, always in the back of my head as a reminder of 'don't do that' or 'remember to do this.' I loved my companion. It had a heart beat. I saw it. I never felt it though. I never felt pregnant and I think that was a true sign of what was to come.

It's this strange little club, the miscarriage club. Lifetime membership at such a cost. No one wants to join but there are so many of us here. Huddled in our loss and hurt. The fortunate ones have babies to hug. My heart hurts for the women who lose their first baby and have to struggle through doubts of whether they can have a healthy pregnancy. I am thankful for that mercy. For my darling Baby A.

Miscarriage - Post-Op

Yesterday seems so fuzzy. Probably due to all the drugs. My husband and I left the house at 5:45 am to be at the surgery center at 6 am so they could prep me for a 7 am DNC. I still haven't looked up this procedure to see what exactly it is they did. I don't think I want to know. I'm sore. Walking hurts and picking up baby A is difficult. I am back at the office though. I decided it would be easier for me to sit still if at my desk here rather than home trying to sit quietly instead of do laundry, wrap presents and deal with the dogs.

Everyone here knew. I had just told them last Monday. They knew for four days and they knew I had a sonogram scheduled for Thursday morning. When I didn't show up to the office that day, they knew something was wrong. The hardest part for me was seeing my boss, JWV. He's such a father figure and has been wonderful to me over the years here. He has six grandchildren and loves babies. He's just one of those fatherly men and I love him dearly. He's the only one who made me cry a bit today. I've had lots of hugs and well wishes and prayers and I've managed to keep the tears in, with JWV it just wasn't possible.

Mostly I'm ok.
I don't have any other word, just ok.
I hurt, but I'm ok.
I'm sad, but I'm ok.
I'm emotionally drained, but I'm ok.

I keep watching videos of Baby A to make me smile. She's such a blessing.

My dogs have been such a comfort also. Any non dog person isn't going to understand. My dogs know when somethings wrong and it upsets them so terribly when I'm sad or sick. I spent most of Thursday with both dogs curled on on or next to me. There was quite a while where Big M was on the couch with me, with his nose pressed on mine and his big brown eyes looking so very, very concerned at all my tears. It is very hard to cry with a wet doggie nose pressed on yours. When I laid down to take a nap Thursday afternoon, Big M was with me in bed, all 70 lbs of him curled up with his face right up against mine. Yesterday when I got home from surgery Old Lady was on the couch and in my lap for the whole morning, 'helping' me heal. Big M took another nap with me, curled up behind my knees on the couch. They know when mama is hurting and they want so much to help.

Every time I feel the sadness creeping back in, I remind myself of how blessed our lives are and that everything will be alright. I do believe that what is meant to be, will be and we just have to have faith. Every time I see Baby A smile, I'm reminded of that faith and how wonderful life is and will continue to be.

Silence, Acceptance and Sorrow

The past two days are two that will be with me forever. I will never forget December 13th and 14th of 2012.

On Thursday morning, at 8:15 I went for what should have been a 9 week ultrasound. Instead we found I had miscarried my baby. There was no heartbeat and I knew as soon as the screen came up that something was wrong. The tech kept saying what she was looking for, and what we should be seeing and I kept waiting for the 'but' that would make it ok, knowing it wasn't coming. My husband hadn't gone with me to that appointment and I had to call him at the office and he came home to spend the rest of the day with me. I cried so hard and so long. All day Thursday for what we lost. Baby A's little brother or sister.

On Friday I woke up numb. Kind of hollow and still hurting. By the afternoon, after seeing what horrors had happened elsewhere during the day, I knew my hurt was nothing. A drop in the bucket next to these poor moms who lost their babies yesterday. These little babies who should have had a full life ahead of them. All those moms who will never hold their children again. Who will never sleep without dreaming of them. Who will never wake without a moment of sorrow that it was real, not a dream, that there is no child in the other room, safe in their bed, ready to wake for a new day.

My personal sorrow is still there. I will always feel the loss of this baby. But I know I have so much to be thankful for. So much to treasure and that is what I focus on now.

Hug your babies. Watch them sleep. Treasure every moment, even the ones that make you want to pull your hair out. Give them the cookie today and enjoy the light that comes into their eyes for such a small treat. Let them bounce on their beds today, wear their underwear on their heads, and love every piece of them.

All my prayers are for the families in Connecticut now.

I smell old

So in the effort of pleasing my eye doctor I did buy new brushes, new facial moisturizer and some new makeup, not everything got tossed, but most of the things that go in, on or near my eyes did. I did most of my product purchasing on sephora.com because it's all in one place and you get freebies. It's a pretty neat deal I got three different perfumes, a sample moisturizer and cute little nail file all free.

The only problem is, I now smell like an old lady. The perfumes I got didn't seem like they would be a problem. There's a Michael Kors, Dior and Givanchy. Three rather well known names and brands. After sniff testing all of them I decided the Givanchy smelled the least old lady like and squirted a bit on both arms.

Now I have to spend the whole day smelling old.

On the plus side, I'm wearing makeup for the first time in two weeks! Yay! There's just something that makes me feel better about walking out of the house with a little mascara and lipstick.

Bored Eating

I feel the creeping in of pregnancy excuses already. Nine weeks in and I'm already leaning in the direction of 'I can eat that, I'm pregnant, I"m supposed to gain weight.' Oh this isn't going to be an easy 7 more months!

I had to retype that, I started to put 9 months, then changed it to 8. Then I actually thought about it and realized I have 7 months left, not 8.

With Baby A I gained 43 pounds. I lost all but about 3 or 4 of those pounds so really it wasn't too bad, but boy did it get hard lugging all that extra weight around when Baby A was born at 5 lbs 15 oz. Tiny baby, big, big 'ole belly. I really don't want to do that again. I know it's going to be harder to lose the weight the second time around, plus getting out of the habit of eating that much every day was the hardest thing to change. My body was used to getting all that food and really didn't need it all, even though I was pregnant.

My problem is work. I do really well at home. I don't overeat on weekends or days that I"m home with Baby A because there's so much for me to do there. But when I'm at the office there are chunks of the day that are very quiet, and I get very munchie, and the holidays are the worst time to try and avoid goodies. All our vendors and suppliers send food. Popcorn, cookies, cakes, gift baskets full of crackers and cheeses and nuts and all kinds of chocolates, filled chocolates, chocolate covered things, chocolate in things, it's just crazy, and completely unfair! Fellow employees always contribute too, fudge, cakes, things that end up in their house after parties that they don't want to eat themselves, etc, etc, etc.

So today for the past hour and a half (yes, I've been counting) I've been telling myself that I am not hungry and I do not want to raid the honey roasted peanuts that are in the break room. I do not want to get a bag of chips, cracker snack pack, poptart or candy bar from the snack selection. I do not want a fudgepop from the freezer that I bought the office as a summer treat on a super hot day in July. I only have an hour left until I can leave. I do have fresh cherries that I brought, they're non peak and not all that flavorful, but definitely my best option. I'm trying to hold out as long as possible before eating them so I have less time at the office to think about all the junk food options I could have eaten. Could eat. May still eat.

I put up a post a while back about myfitnesspal.com and how I used it to lose a lot of the baby weight from the first pregnancy. I'm still using it to make sure that I'm not overeating now and will continue to keep my calorie count in check throughout the next 7 months.

Here's today:

I have a lot of snacks on there that are spread out through the day. My goal is 1530 calories but I get extra ones when I exercise and walking the dogs every morning counts. So as long as I stick to the dinner I have set for myself when I get home, I'll be nicely within all my goals.

58 minutes left. I think I need to go get the cherries.

Benefits of Little Girls

I don't think little boys get nearly the amount of wear out of their clothes that little girls can. Especially little, little girls. Baby A is 15 months old and just now starting to outgrow her 12 month clothes. She's just little. Part of the problem with that is people buy clothes for her age at the time and the weather at the time, i.e. summer dresses in a 9 month size because she was 9 months at the time. It was huge on her and given the crawling status at that point, she would have been crawling through the dress more than I was willing to deal with. However, with little girls, six months past the 'age' of the dress you can just toss a pair of leggings and a long sleeve onzie underneath it and now it's a wearable tunic. Slightly floral for December, but, it's clean and looks adorable.

This comes up because today is Christmas picture day at daycare with Mama T. I have a long dress that my mom got Baby A for church on Christmas, but I didn't want to send her to daycare in it to play all day, or make Mama T dress and undress her just for the picture. So, white long sleeve onzie, white leggings and a 3-6 month Christmas dress that I bought her last year for church, now works as a ruffled top. Done! Festive and just change the top for playtime later. Little boys just don't have that option. It fits or it doesn't and when it's outgrown, it's outgrown.

While I have absolutely no preferences on whether baby #2 is a second little girl, or a little boy, I do have an amazing array of little girl clothes that would make it awfully convenient to dress another little girl. Especially when both kids can wear the same clothes, one as a dress, and one as a top.

Who killed Rudolph?

The parts are gone. Thankfully. However, I had to share my husbands response at my email to him regarding the Friday morning daycare drop off.

Me: We’ve been talking about so many other things this morning that I haven’t mentioned my ewww for the day.

Remember the bucket of ‘parts’ at Mama T's that I told you about last night. Something got into it last night. I pulled up to Mama T's house this morning to find myself staring into the eyes of a severed deer head sitting in the middle of her front yard. Ewwww. I had to walk into Mama T''s and tell her there was a deer head looking at me from her yard. Ewww. 

Husband: Just dress it up like Rudolph and tell all the kids that Christmas is dead…

Bah-Humbug!!

Yes, this is what I married. My husband just killed Rudolph. 

Merry Christmas Everyone!