Yesterday seems so fuzzy. Probably due to all the drugs. My husband and I left the house at 5:45 am to be at the surgery center at 6 am so they could prep me for a 7 am DNC. I still haven't looked up this procedure to see what exactly it is they did. I don't think I want to know. I'm sore. Walking hurts and picking up baby A is difficult. I am back at the office though. I decided it would be easier for me to sit still if at my desk here rather than home trying to sit quietly instead of do laundry, wrap presents and deal with the dogs.
Everyone here knew. I had just told them last Monday. They knew for four days and they knew I had a sonogram scheduled for Thursday morning. When I didn't show up to the office that day, they knew something was wrong. The hardest part for me was seeing my boss, JWV. He's such a father figure and has been wonderful to me over the years here. He has six grandchildren and loves babies. He's just one of those fatherly men and I love him dearly. He's the only one who made me cry a bit today. I've had lots of hugs and well wishes and prayers and I've managed to keep the tears in, with JWV it just wasn't possible.
Mostly I'm ok.
I don't have any other word, just ok.
I hurt, but I'm ok.
I'm sad, but I'm ok.
I'm emotionally drained, but I'm ok.
I keep watching videos of Baby A to make me smile. She's such a blessing.
My dogs have been such a comfort also. Any non dog person isn't going to understand. My dogs know when somethings wrong and it upsets them so terribly when I'm sad or sick. I spent most of Thursday with both dogs curled on on or next to me. There was quite a while where Big M was on the couch with me, with his nose pressed on mine and his big brown eyes looking so very, very concerned at all my tears. It is very hard to cry with a wet doggie nose pressed on yours. When I laid down to take a nap Thursday afternoon, Big M was with me in bed, all 70 lbs of him curled up with his face right up against mine. Yesterday when I got home from surgery Old Lady was on the couch and in my lap for the whole morning, 'helping' me heal. Big M took another nap with me, curled up behind my knees on the couch. They know when mama is hurting and they want so much to help.
Every time I feel the sadness creeping back in, I remind myself of how blessed our lives are and that everything will be alright. I do believe that what is meant to be, will be and we just have to have faith. Every time I see Baby A smile, I'm reminded of that faith and how wonderful life is and will continue to be.
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