This seems to be the buzz word currently. The loss of a brilliant comic like Robin Williams has lead to the brief flash of light and concern about depression and suicide in popular media. In all that is out there right now, I found this list that I had to cry about when I read it. The cloud that has been over my heart since Max's death is so clearly defined here.
21 Things Nobody Tells You About Depression.
The ones that speak to me:
#2. It physically hurts.
I never understood that when someone talked about depression pain. I nodded and said I'm sure it does, and I was sure it did. But it really does. There were days where my whole body ached. Eating caused me physical pain. I would be so hungry and two bites into something, I had to stop. That mostly seems to have passed.
#3. Asking for Help Seems Counter-intuitive.
I don't feel like I should need help. I am the mom who took my two girls home and still tucks two girls into bed every night. I should be stronger than this.
#4. Your relationship to food changes.
As mentioned previously, eating hurt. Actually hurt. While I had been on a weight loss journey previous to the accident and had really plateaued in terms of weight loss from dieting, I lost four pounds in three weeks. From not eating. From not sleeping. From the constant anxiety.
#7. Everything will start to annoy you.
I have been so short tempered. With everyone. I actually started to think I might be pregnant because I felt so thoroughly off balance in such a way as I only had when I was in my first trimester with Elle and Ali was making me crazy. It was hormonal then. It's hormonal now, only different hormones I guess. I want to cherish every minute of my girls but so frequently I have to clench my teeth and leave the room because whatever it is that is going on makes me want to scream.
#8. Everyday tasks feel overwhelming.
Just trying to keep up with grocery shopping, laundry and dinner takes everything I have. That's it. That's all I have and I really haven't kept up with those things well. I end up at the store 15 times a week because I forget basic things. Milk. Coffee. Cereal. Things we use daily and somehow I leave the store without them, multiple times even. I feel like I'm losing my mind. (reference #6 on the list)
#10. Sleep, or lack of it.
No explanation required here.
Again, I've had whole posts about this. The guilt is terrible.
#18. You argue with people about how terrible you are.
This one caught me off guard. I didn't know I had done it until I read this. I did. I've been in contact with Max's family pretty regularly and all of a sudden I felt that everything I had ever said to his mom was so horrifically insensitive and I tried to apologize to her. She of course told me I was being ridiculous but I still felt that way, and kind of still do, but I think I see this now.
I knew that I was having symptoms of depression. I understood how losing Max and our world at Mama T's could create such a strong reaction in me. I didn't realize how much of what was going on with me could be pointed back to that though. Or maybe it just didn't seem like much until someone else made a list.