Monday, May 4, 2015

Lunch Anxiety

This Friday I am having a lunch/play date with Max's mom. She has an older daughter, 8 or so, and her baby who is just a few months older than Elle. She's bringing her kids and I'm bringing mine.

I am excited to see her and spend time with her, but I am super anxious about it too.

I have seen her several times since Max died, and I've brought Elle with me before, but not Ali.

Ali has not seen Max's mom since the day of the accident at Mama T's.

This has partly been due to a lack of opportunity. But partly because I was afraid that Ali would tell her about that day.

I know she has young nieces and nephews that are about Ali's age (Max's age) and that she has probably had to field questions from them about where he is and what happened. But Ali saw it happen. She has told me about it and some of the things she told me at the time were upsetting. She didn't know what she saw or what it meant, but she knew that it upset me and that was really hard for both of us.

I did tell Max's mom that Ali saw the accident and most of what she said to me about it. Not all. It actually changed some things about that day that were assumed and I felt she needed to know. But some of it I knew would be hurtful to hear and so I kept those pieces to myself.

I'm afraid she's going to see Max's mom and have that reminder, that link back to that day and some of those memories, which haven't surfaced for quite some time, will come back.

She does still remember and every once in a while she'll tell me a boy got stuck at Mama T's house. But she doesn't really remember Max all that clearly. She couldn't tell me his name but could tell me that he got stuck and that I was sad. For her that was the biggest trauma of the day, my reactions. Hindsight being what it is, I wish I kept myself together a little more when I was in front of Ali, but you can't know how you'll react to such a situation.

All this worry may be for nothing, but I know I"m going to have this roll in my belly all week as I think about the things that Ali told me of that day, and what she may say to Max's mom.

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