After several days of thinking, and after writing my Goal-less post, I have realized that it's not a goal that I'm lacking. It's me. I'm lacking me.
This weekend my husband had his annual 'boys weekend' homecoming football game at VT. They've been doing it for 10 years and look forward to it all year. It's always on the calendar and it's never a big deal. He even went the weekend when Baby A was only 6 weeks old.
Saturday evening I realized I was sitting in the house resenting him. Resenting his being away. But not just being away this weekend. I was resenting his Monday night bible study class. His running schedule and running buddies. His beer Friday's that happen once every two or three months. His afternoon at the firing range with W. I was resenting the fact that he has a life, and I have a baby.
Don't get me wrong, if there's ever anything I want to do he's more than happy to take care of Baby A. Every time he goes out for a weekend, or spends the whole day out doing something with a friend I say 'you totally owe me' and he says 'yes, go, do'. And yet, I never 'go, do' anything. I sit at home, do laundry, and stew.
I've never been very good at making friends. I'm not the social butterfly of our marriage, my husband is. They're his friends that I married into, and they're great, I love them. But, they're his friends, they have a long history together and I'm the wife. There are really only a couple of the other wives that I would call, independently of the husbands and make plans to hang out with just them. Prior to having a baby, this never bothered me. I was perfectly content with the life my husband and I had together. We both had routine exercise schedules. I kickboxed and went to yoga, he ran and went cycling. We'd go to dinner once every couple of weeks. The weekends were projects around the house, renting movies, ordering chinese, and we used to go dancing fairly regularly. Now, when I say dancing, I"m talking Fred & Ginger, not J-lo and P-Diddy. We had taken ballroom lessons before we were ever engaged and then continued throughout the engagement and the first years of our marriage The studio has parties every Friday and Saturday night, $15 per person which gets you two drinks and dancing from 8 until midnight. We had a good little life and while we hung out with friends periodically, we were both very content with each other.
Somehow, I've lost my side of that happy little life. I've gained an amazing and beautiful daughter, and I wouldn't change that for anything. But, I've been missing something and I didn't know what. My husband doesn't seem to have skipped a beat and works it all in. I feel like I can't go do anything because I have to take care of Baby A. So I thought about why I have to be here to take care of Baby A. Why? Why? Why? Because my husband doesn't know what time her naps are, so I have to be here for that, or leave detailed instructions on when and how to put her down. Huh? Because my husband doesn't know what or how much to feed her for lunch so I have to be here for that or leave detailed instructions on where in the fridge her food is and what snacks go with it. Huh? Because he's usually busy. If he's home, he's doing yard work, or work work, or has a run or ride planned and so I feel like I have to do these things rather than upset his plans. Huh?? Now, I have a very intelligent husband. He's quite a capable person. I have no idea at what point I decided he's a moron and I'm June Cleaver.
So as I sat around this weekend (as much as you can just 'sit around' with a one year old) I realized the only person keeping in the house was me. It's all me. There is no reason I can't go find something to do and someone to do it with and, in a nicer way, tell my husband he's on his own - figure it out. So, the grass doesn't get mowed. Oh well. He'll just have to play with his year old daughter instead. Why do I feel like I can't say that?
Well, I'm saying it!
First - I joined a local Mom's Meet up club. Baby A and I will attend at least three events each month. We will socialize and make friends! This coming Saturday there's a sign language work shop. How cool is that?? We've been doing some sign language with Baby A already, but it would be great to get some instruction and input on how to continue.
Second - I called one of the few 'wives' I know and made plans for a picnic outing with the kids at a park next weekend.
Third - I have joined a few ladies night out groups. If you haven't seen meetup.com, you should check it out. There are so many groups on there, books, hiking, language, singles, etc, etc. Anyone looking to get out of the house can find something on there to join. I will attend at least two events each month BY. MY. SELF. Just me. No baby, no dogs, no husband. I will talk with other women. I will have a good time. I will make friends.
I will no longer sacrifice my happiness so that my husband can tear up the paneling in the living room. I will no longer sit and home and stew so that my husband can go for a three hour bike ride with his friends. I will not be June Cleaver and if my husband has to cook dinner one night while i go out, he is perfectly capable of doing so. I will be social. I will be active. I will make me a priority and not feel guilty that I didn't have time to make baby food and Baby A will have to eat (gasp) prepackaged dinners.
And, I will get my toes done! Damn it!