Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Bad Dog

Wow do I have a problem. I never thought I'd be in this situation and am horrified that I am. Horrified. Sick. Embarrassed. Sick. Horrified. I don't think I know enough words. Big M bit someone. Ugghh. It hurts to say, it hurts to type. I am so sick about it. The only fortunate side (as if there was one) was that it was a 'dog person' who has six dogs of his own and has been bit far worse by his own. I've known him for years. There was blood though. Visual top and bottom teeth marks but it wasn't deep and didn't bleed much. I'm so horrified. I keep using that word, I don't have another one. My brain shuts down when I think about it.

It's an issue with me, that we've known about. Big M doesn't react like this when my husband is around. It's me. He has decided it is his job to guard when my husband isn't around. So, Big M is grounded. His access to the house while we're gone is now limited to the dining room and the kitchen. The dining room windows are closed, shades down. They are not allowed to hang out in the windows and bark at everyone walking by the house. When I am home, he is attached to me. He has to go where I say, when I say, sit, down, stay and don't move until I say. I feed him handfuls at a time and has to leave it until I say he's allowed to eat. Sometimes, I put the handful down, leave it there, and then pick it back up and pretend to eat it myself. He is not allowed on the couch and not allowed on our bed. If he is not attached to me, he is in his bed. If I get up to go somewhere, he gets up too. If I have to go upstairs with Baby A. He has to go too. He has to sit before exiting and entering the house and I go in or out first. I am the leader. He is the follower. I dictate his every move. He does not. I allow him to eat. He does not decide.

Every time I start to feel bad for this harsh and complete shut down of privileges, I say out loud, He Bit Someone. He is a dog and I need to have complete control at all times and I currently do not. He Bit Someone and it is my fault. I knew he was really keyed up and I didn't take the time to calm him down before allowing this person to enter my house.

I've been doing lots of research and reading up on training methods for fear based behavior, because that's what it is. We've known that. It should have been addressed a long time ago but it was never a 'real' problem. Now, it's a problem. A very real, very big one and I am so angry at myself for letting it get here. I thought we had more control. We did not, clearly.

I don't even know how to end this. Apologize? Ask forgiveness?

I feel like such a failure.

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