Our lives have been in such upheaval for the last three weeks that I still feel like I"m trying to wrap my head around all the changes. And then I feel guilty for being so thrown when our lives don't even come close to being the most affected.
Our poor Mama T. Max's poor family. They're the ones who are truly having to redefine their whole world.
We just had our happy little bubble burst and while we hurt, and while we do have to adjust, all the members of our little bubble family are still here.
I don't feel like I should still be so vulnerable. My husband, and mother, and actually my whole family are still pushing me to go see a therapist. I know I should. I know I need to. I feel so weighed down by the naked brutal truth of the little life that was taken so early.
I struggled with the miscarriage that I had a year and a half ago but not like this. Three weeks later I was still sad, but I was functional. Right now I feel like I"m just making it through the days and then, again, the guilt that I shouldn't be so broken by this. I have my girls. I should just be thankful and move on.
I'm trying. I'm trying to move on and find that new routine and new normal. But it's so hard. Watching Elle push herself into a sit for the first know, knowing that should have happened at Mama T's. Watching Elle learn how to pick up little baby puffs and attempt to eat them. Mama T should be watching this too. Having Ali ask me every morning if today we're going to Mama T's house and not knowing what to say. Knowing Elle will never have the relationship with Mama T that Ali does. Knowing that Ali will never understand where Max went.
It's so hard.
This weekend is the first one where we'll have some time to ourselves and be able to get at least the house back in order. I'll be able to finally make some baby food for Elle, which I love doing but have been so disorganized, and spending so much time cooking for visiting (helping) family, that it has't happened yet.
Ali enjoyed her first week at school, but this week has been harder. She's realized that this isn't just something fun and temporary, it's every day. She's making friends though so I think that's helping. She had one little girl give her a hug when I picked her up at the end of the day yesterday. It was so sweet. My little Ali has some 'personal space' issues, always has, and having a hugging friend is nice to see.
Elle is just happy. Happy to be playing. Happy to be eating. Happy to be crawling. Happy to be in the walker running around after Big M. She adores big M. Now that she's actually moving, she chases him and will play with his feet or tail (what's there) or his big ole' jowls. And he doesn't mind in the least. He just washes her face, or her hands and thinks she's great.
My sister comes to town next week, from Germany. She hasn't seen Elle since January so we're pretty excited for her visit.
*hugs*
I've been thinking about you a lot and I'm SO SORRY for this hard time you're going through. You are dealing with some very heavy stuff. I can't even imagine. My heart goes out to the family of that sweet little boy and to your poor "Mama T." Life can be absolutely brutal. Soooo hard.
ReplyDeleteAs far as seeing a therapist, I think you are 100% justified in feeling so vulnerable and traumatized. I'm sure I wouldn't be coping well at all with something like this. My kids are MY LIFE and my heart goes out to anyone who loses a child. I can not even imagine that level of pain.
I've learned that in times of trial (we've definitely had our share!!!), I just try to get through each day and endure, but also have faith that time will help to heal things a bit. I've had some hard time in my life that I never thought I would get through, but somehow life goes on and I keep on trudging along. It's so tough. Hang in there.