More Guilt

I need to stay positive. I know I do. For myself, and for my family. I need to keep myself functional and to do that I need to stay positive.

This last week or more has been very hard to do that. Thankfully, last week we were at the beach and 'real' life was 6 hours and a world away. But now we're back and the reality of what the people I love are going through is knocking hard at my door and it's much more difficult to keep that focus that I need.

Mama T has been charged with second degree murder, plus a bunch of other things. It's a lot. It's much more than any of us expected.

She spent 24 hours in jail last week, Thursday night into Friday afternoon before being let out on bond.

My heart is so heavy for her. It isn't fair. I don't know what is though. A little boy lost his life. But Mama T doesn't belong in jail. What's right? I don't know.

I haven't let myself linger on thoughts of her too much and I feel guilty for that. But I can't let myself fall into another round of depression. Not that I really have a huge amount of say in it, but I need to keep myself and my family together. They need to be my priority. They are my priority.

I love Mama T, and I will continue to pray and love and support her, but I need to keep myself functional first.

I have not been sharing much of what has been happening. I have had lunch with some of the other mom's. I have had lunch with Max's mom. I have spoken with Mama T and I have written a testimony of my years with her caring for my girls. There's so much and so much of it is sad, and hard and challenging that I have to separate it from my thoughts as much as I can. Then again, the nagging guilt for those people I care about who don't have that option. So I haven't written much about it.

I'm worried about being part of the trial. I'm worried about someone wanting Ali to be part of the trial. There's so much to worry about. It's so hard to keep moving forward.