Friday, March 15, 2013

You may be right, but your volume is wrong

Another Love & Respect Post.

As soon as these words were said, pretty early in the book, I knew they applied to my husband and I. Only in our arguments the word 'volume' needs to be replaced with 'tone'.

It doesn't matter how right you are, if the tone of your voice (or volume) is disrespectful, you're not winning the argument and only creating a bigger problem.

I have a terrible habit of making snide remarks. It's something that my husband pointed out to me early in our marriage and I have made significant efforts to curb myself. I really think I've done well and rarely does anything actually escape anymore. I have to be pretty pissed off to slip up and say something nasty. I may be thinking it, but really, I don't let it come out anymore.

My husband has a 'tone'. It is frequently used with the phrase 'I wish you wouldn't have...' fill in the blank. I find this tone very condescending and whenever it is used it truly feels like my husband thinks I"m a moron. Complete and total idiot who shouldn't be allowed out on her own. I know that is not what my husband thinks of me. I know that is not how he thinks he sounds, but that is how it is heard by me. His father uses the same 'tone' with his mother. And his brother uses it with his wife. It has been well taught by the men in this household.

Whenever that tone comes out it makes me want to continue arguing whether or not I'm right or wrong. It doesn't matter if my husband has a valid point, I'll argue against it just because that tone sets me on edge.

This is something I have tried to explain to him before. That tone. He doesn't hear it. He doesn't know when it's coming out. Now, I have a response that I can use; that will not promote continuous argument.

'You may be right, but your tone is wrong'.

Just knowing I have that resource makes me feel better. Having a response to my husband when we argue that isn't going to be hurtful, disrespectful, or argumentative.

We both need to work on our tone when we disagree with each other. I am excited for him to read/listen to this book so he can have these tools also.

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