Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Trying to find a direction

When Ali was about six or seven months old I hit a wall. A pretty big one, face first and at full speed.

I was trying to do it all and do it perfectly.

I was trying to have a clean house, clean laundry, healthy meals, an exercise routine to lose the last 10-15 lbs of baby weight that hadn't come off yet, I was working full time, I had a foster dog, plus our two dogs that I walked every day and I was trying to keep everyone happy and content on my own.

That didn't work.

One morning after dropping Ali off with Mama T on the way to work I just started crying. I cried the rest of the way to the office and I had no idea why.

I just felt wrong. I felt like everything was wrong. That I was trying so hard to do everything, that nothing was getting done well.

I got to work and sent an email out to everyone with a big cry for help, I was drowning.

My husband started handling a little more, my mom started coming over on Friday's to help clean the house and do laundry and I started to let go a little of what I thought I needed to be.

Now, I have two children, one dog (with issues), and am back to working full time. I have already relinquished a lot of the dog responsibilities since I wasn't able to do much during the pregnancy and my husband and I had already decided he would continue to walk Big M in the mornings. I didn't think I was going to be able to reasonably walk him, get two children up, dressed, fed and ready and still get me up, dressed, fed and ready, to be out the door at 7:20. I'm not entirely positive I can do all that even without the dog walking, but that remains to be seen. (Mama T had a family emergency yesterday and today, so my mom is home with the girls.)

I am trying to remain calm and organized as I figure out how all this is going to work. People do it every day. People do it with more kids than I have and no husband to help, or wife to help. I just need to stay open to the bumps and give in to the exhaustion.

It's ok if dinner ends up as a box of Mac and Cheese and some fish sticks.

It's ok if dinner ends up scrambled eggs and a banana.

It's not ok if I push myself to have everything done exactly how I think it needs to be done and end up a sobbing mess on the floor of my minivan because I"m too tired to think straight.

I need to be prepared. Be organized and be open to the directions that come up. Life has a way of balancing out if you let it. But if you keep pushing and keep forcing, that's when you lose it.

No comments:

Post a Comment